The Tea Partiers are coming, the Tea Partiers are coming!
I am very excited about this opportunity to engage people from outside my narrow-minded neighborhood in intelligent discourse about the role of immigration in contemporary society. I might even get to meet one of those 19-percenters who hope to remove our foreign-born President* from office. (In the interest of full disclosure, I am pretty sure that I was born in Colorado, but I don’t have any newspaper clippings with my birth announcement, so I hope that they can see past my Canadian relatives and that we can talk like real Americans.)
As of right now, I am planning on meeting misguided people at the metro station and politely requesting that they not take advantage of my tax dollars on their way home–they should instead take a pedi-cab or a foreign-oil-fueled vehicle back to their hotels. Because this will only help inform their decisions on the way back, I have submitted a suggestion to Metro to add a special surcharge for all farecard-based travel this Saturday (after all, if someone has a SmartTrip Metro card, they are probably already subsidizing the system with their tax dollars) to offset any tax-payer subsidized taint of the transit system; I don’t want some innocent tea-partier to unknowingly encourage taxation during their visit!
Unfortunately, I have made a grave error in my plans for this weekend. I invited an immigrant. He is a nice guy, but, as an immigrant, he has taken an American job from the lovely people who will be gathering at the Lincoln memorial. Perhaps if I ask him to wear a pin that says “I am a Canadian and I am sorry for taking an American job. If you have a master’s degree in foreign relations, we can discuss how to return what is rightfully yours,” we might be able to get another American employed. It would be unfortunate for my friend to be deported, but one ought to be consistent!
*Normally, I would not footnote what I consider obvious sarcasm respectful disagreement over facts, but in light of the intense debate over this issue, please let me state unequivocally that the Earth is an irregular sphere, Newton’s description of gravity is pretty good for my daily life, and President Obama was born in the United States.